You Are My Light
by PostitPromise
Summary: Castiel is stuck in his life, stuck being 'the freak'. His family has long since abandoned him, and his only friend gets paid to hang out with him. Dean is a hunter, and his newest case is a young boy who is wanted far and wide by demons..but no one is telling why.
1. Chapter 1

Castiel liked lights. Lava lamps, Christmas bulbs, fiber optic decorations, you name it- they fascinated him. He would sit for hours, just intently staring at them, riveted. Not many things interested the man; least of all, people. He had long since concluded that all people were the same- horrid, detestable creatures that only wanted such luxuries as sex, money, fame…nothing worthwhile. Castiel was…peculiar. That was how most people described him, although not many people actually knew him, well, not really. Not one single person had taken the time to get to know the wonders of his brilliant mind…he was "too weird". No one had stuck around long enough to get past the monotone, the blank stares, the disinterest he seemed to have. Not even his own family had cared enough to get to that point. No, instead they stuck him in here- a mental hospital. Castiel was a selective mute; he never spoke. Not since he was fifteen had he uttered a word to anyone other than the occasional mumble to himself. He was now a young man of just twenty years old, with no life beyond these white walls that had been his home for a little over a year. Oddly enough, he was considerably well-liked here- he was quiet, he never made a fuss, and he was easy to get along with, since he never really did much of anything. One orderly in particular, Anna, the Monday-Wednesday-Friday 'nurse', so to speak, had taken the most interest in him. She was a pretty young girl with red hair and kind hazel eyes. She ensured that Castiel got his own private room, and she was the one who had bought the object he was looking at now.

His attention snapped back to it, ah, it was so lovely. It was a ball that held spinning fiber optic threads. Anna was the first one to figure out that Castiel was fascinated by colorful objects. It started when he reached out to touch her bright red lanyard, on an impulse, and only spiraled from there. Anna was the only one Castiel would touch and the only one he let touch him. His blue eyes squinted intently on the spinning object, watching with fascination as it threw lines of light across the dark room, the only color in the white hospital. He thought back to his birthday, when Anna had brought him a red balloon. It had no string since that was considered a danger to himself, but he loved it all the same. He played with it for hours, bouncing it in the air on his fingertips. That night he had slept with it in his bed, next to him.

When he woke up the next morning, he saw that the balloon had popped. Anna came in to find him clutching the deflated thing in his hands, with tears in his big blue eyes. Later that day, she had come into his room with a box. The box contained the fiber optic light he was looking at now.

Someone knocked on Castiel's door. He ignored it, instead tangling his fingers through the color-changing threads. Another orderly, Rufus, opened his door. "Castiel….you have a visitor." Rufus sounded shocked, but not half as shocked as Castiel felt. Not once, never, had he gotten a visitor that wasn't another patient or someone who worked here. It was enough to make him turn away from his beloved light, and look at the stranger who entered his room. He was a tall man, who looked to be rugged and muscular. In other words, nothing of interest to Castiel. He went back to his light, ignoring the stranger that stood by his bedside. "Uh, hi, Castiel. My name is Dean." The man -Dean- waited for a response. "Oh, right, they told me you don't talk…listen, I have some very important things to tell you. I came here because..because you're in danger." Dean waited in silence again, hoping to elicit a response from me. "Look dude, I understand you're looking at your light thingy, and it's cool, it really is, but I feel weird talking to you when you're turned around..so could you..?" Castiel just wanted this strange man to leave him alone, and so he reluctantly tore his eyes away from the light. He flicked on the lightswitch next to his bed, lighting up the room. He unplugged his beloved color light to avoid distraction. And then, he turned around.

Castiel was glad he did turn because he saw something he didn't notice before. Dean's eyes, their color….they fascinated Castiel. He jumped up, abandoning all his rules, grabbing the side of Dean's face. He leaned in closely, studying his eyes, peering right into them. Dean looked shocked at first, his posture stiffening and his eyes widening in alarm. But when he realized Castiel was not going to hurt him, he stared right back.

Castiel couldn't stop looking at Dean's eyes, the way they held so many colors at once. They were a clear green flecked with gold, fringed with dark lashes and surrounded by laugh lines. The two were now perched on Castiel's bed, with Castiel only half listening to what the other man was saying. His big green eyes were too distracting for him to focus on words. "I'm called a hunter…I hunt things, Castiel. Things, not animals. Those things that your parents told you were just made up ? Yeah, those are real…It's all real, and my brother and I, we hunt them down, you know ? Well listen man –Castiel, you're in danger. There's demons that want you dead…we don't know why yet, but we're going to figure it out and save you, okay ? But I need to bust you out of here…" Dean looked at the smaller man, at his thin frame sitting cross-legged like a child, and then back up at his crystal blue eyes, trying to determine if he understood him. Castiel's head cocked, and he nodded ever so slightly. He had no reason NOT to trust this man, and almost nothing to keep him here…one day he would come back for Anna, but for now, he needed to get back into the world.

"Okay, I'm going to come to your window at midnight, two hours after lights out. I'm going to knock underneath the window, three times. DO NOT open it unless you hear THREE knocks, understand ?" Castiel nodded again lightly, although he didn't understand what Dean meant by "open the window". Surely he had noticed the bars over the window ? Dean left shortly after running through the plan, and Castiel went back to watching his light.

They had told him that Castiel was different, but…wow. Dean had almost lost his cool when he suddenly jumped up in his face, but something in the troubled man's pure blue eyes calmed him. When Dean left his room, they told him that he never touched anyone, and that he never even registered that he heard them. Dean began to question what made him so special….how did he break through to him ? All he knows is, the kid looked happy when he was staring at that color-changing thingy…so Dean went out and bought him a present.

**This is my first Destiel fic, so please let me know what you think ! I hope it makes sense and everything, and sorry for repeating about the fiber optic thing so many times... (I'm only on the end of season 6 of Supernatural so don't spoil anything for me !) Comments ? (:


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel was awake, sitting in the dark, waiting. As much as he loved color, he didn't mind the dark either, although he much rather preferred at least one light source. His eyes darted to the clock on the wall, and as he watched, it struck midnight exactly. Right on time came three soft knocks. Castiel wandered over to the window, and could vaguely see Dean's form in the darkness. "Watch out buddy, stand back." Castiel did what he was told, with some confusion. His name was not Buddy, it was Castiel. He watched with wide eyes as this Dean character used some sort of hand held saw to cut the bars off of the window. Castiel was no longer contained inside the holding cell they called a room. He turned and grabbed his beloved gift from Anna, then stood in front of Dean and the open window. Even in the darkness, he could see the other man's green eyes glowing. "Castiel man, let's go !" Tentatively, Castiel stepped toward the window, unsure of how to scale the space of wall between the floor and the opening. "Oh for…" Dean trailed off. He reached in and gripped Castiel under the arms like a child, lifting him out with ease. The man looked barely fed, and he was light as someone half his age. He stood awkwardly beside Dean, starting to feel uneasy. "Car is this way," Dean told him, as he began to walk away from the hospital. He kept glancing back to make sure Castiel was still behind him, and sure enough, he trailed along like a lost puppy. His eyes were just adding to the puppy theory, to be quite honest. He reminded him a little of Sammy in that way, given that he had a habit of looking like a sad sack himself. Plus, Castiel and Sam were almost the same age. Dean glanced back; Castiel had stopped. He was standing still, staring down at his feet. Dean walked back to him, "What's wrong ?" He pointed to his bare feet, then to Dean's shoes. Dean barked out a short laugh, "We'll get you shoes, don't worry." The full force of Castiel's blue eyes were put upon Dean as the younger man looked to him and nodded.

They reached the car just as the alarm in the hospital sounded. Castiel slid into the backseat, and Dean into the driver's side. The sound of squealing tires was heard, and then the black Impala sped off into the night.

Half an hour later, Dean finally turned on the radio to banish the unbearable silence. He was used to riding with talkative Sam, not quiet Castiel. He thought it odd that he had chosen to ride in the backseat, but hey, whatever made the guy more comfortable. Dean turned the dial on his beloved radio and lowered the volume, "Hey, Castiel. I almost forgot, I uh…got this for you." He pulled his present out of the glove compartment and tossed it into the backseat. "It's one of those flameless candle thingies." He suddenly felt embarrassed, and so he turned the radio back up and focused on the road. He noticed how the kid liked light up objects, so he had bought him something simple to keep him entertained. Over the noise of the radio, he could hear Castiel opening the box. He used his rearview mirror to glance back, and saw that the boy had switched the candle on and was now staring at it, a small smile on his face. The sight made Dean smile as well.

Every time he looked back to check on Castiel, he saw the flicker of the candle and the bright blue eyes of someone intelligent. So what if the guy was a little strange ? Most people are, himself included. You could tell just by looking at him that he was a very smart kid, and maybe now that he was out of the hospital he could get a chance to prove it.

Maybe it was because he was so young, or maybe it was because demons were on his ass, but Dean felt protective of Castiel. Someone so innocent shouldn't be subjected to such evil…Dean kept driving until almost 5AM, and then he had reached the motel him and Sam were staying at. He climbed out and opened the door to the backseat, only to find Castiel slumped over and asleep, the candle cuddled close to him, still flickering away.

He felt bad, but Dean had to wake Castiel up. He didn't want to scare him by carrying him, because he didn't like to be touched. Instead he whispered his name until he slowly uncurled himself and followed Dean inside. He sat cross-legged on top of his bed, placing his only two possessions on the nightstand next to him. He turned and flipped the covers back, burrowing underneath them immediately. Dean woke Sam up so that he could switch with him and watch over their new charge while he got some sleep. That night, Dean found that he could not sleep unless he was facing Castiel, just in case.

*I hope the whole 'Cas is obsessed with lights' thing isn't like too weird…Btw, in this fic, Cas is 20, Sammy is 21, and Dean is 25*


	3. Chapter 3

Sam woke Dean up around 11AM. He had no idea what to do with Castiel, and so he left the decision up to Dean. The eldest Winchester woke their fragile new companion gently, and then tossed him clothes that he deemed appropriate. When Castiel stepped out of the bathroom in his new attire, Sam had to turn around to stifle his giggle. Dean smirked, and Castiel just stood there, staring. As per usual. He now wore a pair of Converse sneakers, jeans that hung off his frame, and a plain green t-shirt that succeeded in making his blue eyes look other-worldly. He looked positively all-American and innocent, like a twelve year old boy. Castiel gave a small smile, escalating his appearance to angelic.

The three men were on the road again, on their way to Bobby's house. Dean had no idea how Bobby would react, since he hadn't actually informed him that Castiel was in their care at the moment…yet. He seemed like a good kid- guy; Castiel was a guy, a man. Dean would have to stop thinking of him as a kid, he was a grown adult…who just happened to resemble someone younger. He hoped that when this was all over and done with, he could have a shot at a normal life.

Castiel watched out the window as the beautiful old car rolled along. The last time he'd ridden in a car (besides last night) was on his way to the hospital, when he was just nineteen years old. That was the scariest day of his life.

He wasn't scared now, not really, just more curious. For some reason, he trusted Dean and Sam to take care of him. After all, they hunted monsters for a living, right ? Besides, he hadn't been outside of those constricting white walls in such a long time, and it was so damn beautiful out. Castiel found himself smiling a lot more than usual these past few days. Imagine that.

Castiel stood quietly by, watching as this Bobby guy talked hurriedly to the brothers in hushed tones. Bobby glanced his way more than once, and the look in his eyes made Castiel feel bad. He didn't look as…accepting as Sam and Dean. He looked down at his shoes, trying to focus on something other than the panic growing in his chest. Even Castiel could tell that Bobby meant a lot to the boys, if it came down to a choice, they would choose Bobby over Castiel any day. Story of Castiel's life.

"An' here you go putting all of us in danger, bringing home this little nerd !" Bobby roared, motioning toward Castiel. Dean stiffened "Don't…don't call him that." Bobby scoffed, "Oh, now you're defending him ! This is just great. There's so many other cases you can work on, REAL cases, not demons after some head case who won't even be missed !" "Dammit Bobby !" Dean slammed his fist down on the table, "I told you not to talk about him like that ! He's a good guy, so just lay off, okay ?" He turned around and stalked toward the door, "C'mon Cas. Let's go."

Castiel followed Dean out, secretly enjoying the fact that Dean had defended him and made a nickname for him. He wished he could ask Dean where they were going, but he just…couldn't. They walked over to the Impala, and Castiel started to climb into the backseat before Dean stopped him. "You can sit in the front with me, Cas." They started driving, and Dean looked toward his passenger conversationally "You hungry ?" Castiel nodded. He looked back to the road, where his arm snapped up and he pointed out the window, eyes wide. Dean's own eyes flew to the road as well, following where Castiel pointed. He swerved his car to avoid the woman in the road, and the Impala spun out and rolled to a stop, halfway on the road and halfway in the grass. "Stay here !" Dean ordered, and Castiel obeyed. Dean stepped out of the vehicle, "Hey, are you okay ?" The brunette woman lunged forward, her eyes flashing black for a brief second. Dean reached behind him and withdrew his demon knife, stabbing her quickly through the neck. He sighed, "I don't know what I expected. It's never just a lady in the road." He dragged her body to the side of the road and tossed her into the ditch there. Checking over his car with his eyes, Dean felt his posture relax. His baby was okay.

He climbed back into his second home, the driver's seat. He looked at Castiel with a boyish grin "Now how about that burger ?"

His smile faded quickly though, when he saw Castiel cowered in the corner of the front seat. Dean made a reach for him, but then drew his hand back when he remembered the no-touching rule. "Hey, Cas buddy, I'm sorry….she was a demon, if that helps ? I told you I would protect you…that was the only way to do that." He waited a moment, and Castiel's body slowly unfolded. "You okay ? I know that was rough, but that's only the beginning…they know you're out. But you're safe with me, I'm not going to let anything happen to you." Cas' stomach grumbled, and the pair drove off in search of the first of many burgers together.

*comments ? (:


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel had been in the care of the Winchesters for going on three weeks now. The brothers, Dean in particular, thought of him as more of a friend at this point. They still had no leads on why Cas was so wanted by the dark side, but the threats kept coming. Everywhere they went, there was a new demon on the hunt for a slice of Castiel. Most days, it was easier just to stay in whatever cheap motel they were in and hide out. Finally Sam had had enough; he was going stir-crazy. He made a deal with Dean- he would go off on a few jobs, give Dean some time to stay in and research more about Castiel's situation and keep him safe at the same time. The first day that Sam left, Dean blatantly refused to do research. He flopped down onto the couch next to Castiel, automatically reaching for the remote control. Cas grabbed it away from him, setting it on the armrest beside him. He was actually watching whatever sappy love movie was on tv. Dean glanced at the screen for a second, then back at the riveted Castiel. "Oh, is this that one nineties-" Without taking his eyes off the screen, Castiel placed his hand over Dean's mouth to silence him. The physical contact shocked Dean, but he kept quiet and let Cas watch his movie.

An hour later, the credits were rolling and Castiel had tears rolling out of his blue eyes. "Given my line of work, the whole ghost thing is kind of offensive. I mean, I know Swayze is hot, but c'mon." Dean stood up from the couch, heading for the slightly moldy kitchen in the corner of their motel room. "Want somethin' to eat Cas ?" He peeked his head around the corner to see Castiel's response. "Cas ?" The man was no longer sitting on the couch where he had been a moment ago. "Castiel ?" It's not like he expected an answer, but he did expect to see him pop out from somewhere. What Dean did not expect, was a pack of three huge men holding a knife to Castiel's throat in the corner of the room.

He made a move for his weapon, but the largest man warned him "One more move and I'll slit his throat." Dean would never forget Castiel's innocent blue eyes going wide as he stood in terror. He was supposed to protect him…Another unforeseen man jumped out from behind the half way next to Dean, bashing him over the head. He lay, semi-conscious, straining to see what they were doing to his friend. That's when he heard it- Castiel's voice, screaming his name.

Cas looked up from the couch at the men approaching him; they must be Dean's friends. After all, Dean told him that he would protect him, and surely he had seen these three large men enter the room. Suddenly, they yanked him up and dragged him over to the side of the room. A sharp object found its way to his throat, prompting Castiel to realize that he was in danger. He tried to calm down, Dean would save him, he was the best. He was his friend, and a damn good hunter. Nothing to worry about. At least, that's what Castiel thought, until he saw the look in those piercing green eyes when they assessed the situation

Pure terror.

A man bashed Dean over the head, and Cas could only watch as he slumped to the floor. The men grabbed hold of Castiel once again, picking him up easily. He didn't want to leave, he didn't want to leave his best friend. Why wasn't Dean getting up ? As they started for the door, he let everything go, and began to scream.

"Dean ! Dean, help me ! Dean !"

A sharp pain on his head accosted his senses, and the words died on his lips. Everything went fuzzy around the edges, then slowly faded to darkness. Dean never got up.

Castiel woke up slowly, disoriented and in a cramped space in the dark. The trunk of a car. He sat still for a moment, listening. "Dean ?" He called out. His voice sounded so foreign, even to him. He was alone, and in pain…suddenly, Castiel didn't like the dark anymore.

The next time he woke up, he was tied to a chair in a room with concrete floor. Again, he was alone. Cas couldn't understand why so many people were after him, he was nothing special. He was just a human, couldn't they see that ? Not a very interesting one at that. He was just some stupid kid waiting on his Winchester to save him.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam watches as his brother paces the floor once again, like he has been doing incessantly for the past three days. It's in the early hours of the morning, having just hit the fourth day that Castiel has been missing. Sam knows that Dean was close with Castiel, well, close for Dean, and he also knows that he feels guilty about his kidnapping, like it was his fault. No matter how many times he or Bobby tries to tell Dean that he couldn't have stopped it, he just won't listen. "Boy, you're driving us ALL nuts with that pacing ! Get some rest, we can look for 'im when you're not running on fumes." "Bobby, for the last time- it's my mess, I'm going to clean it up ! And if that means running myself into the ground, then I'm sure as hell gonna do it. He TRUSTED me !" The bags under Dean's eyes told the story of everything else he felt that he wasn't saying. He sat down on an old chair in the study, facing Bobby behind his desk. Sam turned to him, "Dean. You know that if it hadn't happened now, it would have happened eventually anyway. We'd just be waiting for the other shoe to drop." The eldest Winchester sighed, and Sam squeezed his shoulder. "We'll find him, I promise."

Castiel whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut as he endured yet another beating. They kept asking him to 'tell the truth about what he was' but he didn't understand what that meant. He WAS telling the truth, he was human, just a regular guy. What made them think otherwise ? At first, he refused to talk, but then they started beating it out of him…

It was the morning of the (fourth ?) day he had been captured, and Castiel was starting to wonder if anyone would ever find him. He never thought he'd long for his room in the mental hospital, but he would give anything to be back there now. He wanted Anna's gentle touch, he wanted his old red balloon back, he wanted…Dean. He wanted Dean there to protect him and tell him dumb jokes he didn't get, he wanted him to buy him crappy diner burgers and comment on how good-looking the waitress was(or wasn't.) He wanted his best friend Dean Winchester to be there with him, sitting on the couch next to him making fun of him for crying at 'Ghost.' He just wanted his friend, so that he wouldn't have to suffer alone.

It was on the fifth day that they found him. Bobby, Sam, and Dean had noticed demonic signs in the town they were in when Castiel got kidnapped, then tracked them all the way to Michigan. Dean got in the Impala the second they figured out where the bastards had gone, and Bobby and Sam ended up following in Bobby's car. The few days it took to get there were agony for Dean.

Armed with the demon knife, the eldest Winchester stepped quietly out of the car and onto the property housing the demons. The ramshackle cabin lay half in the woods, with moss and vines growing up one side of the old place. He stepped carefully and tiptoed up to one window, peering inside to get a layout of what he would have to deal with. Unfortunately, the glass was too smudged with dirt to see properly. Bobby and Sam hadn't arrived yet, so he had no backup either. But Dean wasn't about to let Castiel spend one more second in this hellhole.

What Dean didn't know, was that while he couldn't see them, the demons had saw him in the window perfectly. Two went to the basement with Castiel, and two stayed poised and ready to strike Dean down. Deciding a quick approach was best, he kicked in the door and was promptly thrown through a wall. His head bounced off the hard ground, and the gold flecks in his eyes faded. He struggled to regain his balance as he hopped back up, trying to fend off one demon while doing hand to hand combat with another. A sharp pain stabbed through Dean's arm, and he looked down for a brief moment to find crimson blood spilling over the sleeve of his jacket. He cursed and threw an elbow at the demon behind him, momentarily stalling him. Dean grabbed the blade from its hiding place in his waistband underneath his jacket, and promptly stabbed into the possessed man in front of him. The man gasped and glowed slightly as the demon was exhumed from his body. A scream rang out- but it wasn't Dean's, nor the demon's. It was Castiel.

Cas' screams came floating up from the basement, and they weren't screams of terror, they were screams of pain. Dean only paused a brief moment before he continued battling the second man. He tried not to focus on the sound of his name being yelled from somewhere unknown to him. The quicker he killed this demon, the quicker he could get to Cas.

Just as he was slipping and the demon was getting the upper hand, Sam busted through the door. "Dean !" "Sammy ! I have to go get Cas, can you fight him off ?" He didn't wait for an answer as he raced toward what he presumed to be the basement door. The two demons, who were currently torturing Castiel, looked up in surprise. "Come and get me, you sons of bitches," Dean taunted, circling them slowly. They both sprang at the same time, colliding and slamming into Dean. He angled the knife and stabbed, praying for the best. All was silent for a moment. The two demons flickered together as the life drained out of them- the knife had pierced them both at the same time.

"Dean," came a small cry of relief. He gave a weak smile, and involuntary tears sprang to Dean's eyes. Castiel had a black and blue cheekbone, a swollen eye, a split lip accompanied by a bloody nose, and his blue eyes were dull. And that was just his face.

"Oh, Cas. I'm so sorry….I'm so sorry." Dean kept muttering apologies as he untied his friend, grimacing at the red welts left by the harsh rope. He helped him stand up, the two men both severely injured.

Cas was on his feet for merely a second before his eyes rolled back and he collapsed.

*thoughts ? (:


	6. Chapter 6

"Castiel !" Dean used his full name in his panic. Cas was slumped against him, having just passed out in his arms. He looked worse for the wear, and that made Dean's stomach clench. "Sammy !" He yelled, desperate for some help. Sam's footsteps thundered down the stairs at the sound of his brother's pained cry. "What happened ?!" He exclaimed, eyeing Castiel. "I don't know, help me get him up." Dean hoisted Cas onto his shoulder into a fireman's carry, ignoring Sam's protests. "Dean, you're injured. Let me carry him." His older brother grimaced in pain from his own injuries, but started up the stairs. The Winchesters headed for the Impala with Castiel in tow, greeting Bobby with stiff smiles as they approached. "You boys look like hell. Here, let me get the door." Dean insisted on sitting in the backseat with his injured friend, Sam drove, and Bobby accompanied Sam in the passenger seat.

They arrived at the hospital in a flurry of squealing tires and attempts to get Castiel to wake up. The shocked patrons of the ER let Dean through right away, moving to let him and Cas, whom he was still carrying, by them. Dean ignored the doctors and plopped Cas down on a bed in the hall, leaning on the wall beside him. He was only torn away from him when two beefy doctors escorted him to his own room to be treated.

Castiel's eyes flurried open, and the first thing he saw was Dean's piercing green ones staring at him. He offered a weak smile and squeezed his hand, his voice rough "How ya doin' Cas ?" Castiel smiled broadly, despite his split lip. He was much better now.

They wanted to keep both Castiel and Dean overnight for observation, but they both adamantly refused and were released a little after dinnertime. Dean drove home with Cas beside him, not letting him leave his sight.

Bobby and Sam left to get dinner, knowing the two would want some time alone to work things out. Dean waited in the living room for Cas to change back into regular clothing, getting more nervous every second he was out of his sight. "Dean ?" Dean jumped up, "Are you okay ?" "I uh…need help." He walked into Cas' room, where he was struggling to tug his shirt off. His big blue eyes looked at Dean pleadingly, "It hurts when I try to do it, can you…?" It still took Dean some getting used to to hear Castiel's soft voice. He slowly starting pulling off the hospital-issued white shirt that Castiel was wearing, tugging it over his head gingerly. He gasped when he saw Cas' black and blue torso. He tried to cover it up, ashamed, but Dean knocked his hands aside. "Did they do this to you ?" he ran his hands lightly over his bruised ribs, trying to fathom how they could hurt someone so innocent. But now, looking at his defined chest, Castiel didn't seem like such a little boy anymore….Dean turned around, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes- but the image of a beat-up Castiel was still burned in his brain.

After they all ate dinner, Castiel told the gruesome tale of his capture. They all recounted events together and practically discussed the matter to death. By eleven o'clock, Bobby was heading home, Sam and Dean were sharing a drink, and Castiel was fast asleep on the couch next to Dean. Little did they know it was the first time he had slept at all since before he'd been taken.

By midnight, Sam had claimed one of the bedrooms and Dean was contemplating his third glass of whiskey. He sighed and set the bottle down, propping his feet up on the coffee table. Castiel was still sleeping beside him, and he couldn't help but watch him just in case. He was more than a little afraid to leave him now, even for a minute, and so he decided to sleep out there with him. As soon as he leaned back and closed his eyes, Castiel stirred. "Dean ?" Came a sleepy voice. He turned to him, "I'm here, Cas." "I don't like the dark anymore, can you turn on a light ?" "Actually, I have something for you." Dean crossed the dark room to retrieve the one object Cas had brought with him from the hospital, handing it to him. "We brought that with us from the old motel to Bobby's, and then here." Dean could see Castiel's smile even in the darkness.

Castiel didn't know how long he'd been up or what time it was, but he was having such a good time playing with his fiber optic light that he didn't want to go to bed. Before he knew it, the dawn was breaking, and the boys would be getting up soon to pack up and head out. Cas was afraid Dean would be mad at him for not sleeping, so he pretended to sleep until he woke up. Dean and Sam got the ca ready before they 'woke up' Castiel, and he smiled at his little secret. "Did you get enough sleep ?" Dean questioned as they slid into the Impala. Castiel nodded happily from the backseat.


	7. Chapter 7

As much as he wanted to keep an eye on Cas, Dean knew he would go crazy if he didn't go on a real hunt soon- it'd been way too long. He looked in the papers himself for an easy hunt, and found what looked to be a shape-shifter in Maine. It wasn't a state the Winchester's went to often, but he figured why the hell not ? They would just supernatural-proof the motel room and let Castiel do what he pleased while inside it. The poor guy didn't get much alone time, and Dean felt bad about that. Plus, he was in the mood to kill some of the evil in the world and restore some of its former safety.

Castiel sat huddled in a cocoon of blankets on the old couch in the motel. He was really into the movie he was watching, and it was freezing cold here. He was allowed anywhere in the room to do anything he pleased, so long as he stayed inside the circle of salt Sam had laid down. The floor and walls were covered in sigils and devils traps, and it made Cas feel kind of out of place. He paused the movie and looked around, debating whether he should take a shower. He wanted to, but it was so cold that he almost couldn't bring himself to. In the end, he just decided to take a steaming shower and hope for the best.

The whole kidnapping had put him on edge, though he'd never show it around Dean. He could tell how much blame that Dean felt for the incident, but it really wasn't his fault. Castiel stepped into the spray of the showerhead, absently glancing down at himself. Aubergine bruises stood out on his pale chest, reminding Cas of his time with the demons. The memories flashed back without his permission, before he could stop them. He found himself sitting inside the bathtub portion of the shower, knees tucked to his chest. Tears were streaming steadily down his cheeks, and the pain in his ribs from sitting in such a way just made him cry harder. Soon loud sobs were wracking his body, something he hadn't done in a long time. Castiel had been so stoic and silent for so long, it was as if years worth of pain were catching up to him now. He didn't hear the door to the motel room open over his crying, so the pounding on the bathroom door startled him. "Cas ?!" Came Dean's frightened cry, voice husky. Castiel froze, and all was silent for a moment. Then the knocking continued, "Castiel, are you alright ?" This time it was Sam speaking. Castiel heard Dean say something to him, then call out "Cas ?" once again. "I'll be out in a minute," He replied in a low voice. He was ashamed that everyone had heard him cry, but he got dressed and exited the bathroom anyway. He kept his head down, plopping down on the couch. His teary eyes shimmered like glass as he looked up to meet Dean's gaze.

"I'm sorry," Castiel whispered, hanging his head. "No Cas, I'M sorry. It's my fault, all of it. Are you okay ?" Dean was awkward in the whole touchy-feely department, but he really did care, maybe more than he'd like to admit. Sam stood up, "I'm gonna go make popcorn…" He exited the living space without waiting for a reply. Castiel put his fists over his eyes, his comfort around Dean was now gone. He'd messed everything up, acted like the crybaby freak he was, and now everything was ruined. Dean would drop him back off at the psych ward, just like his own family had done over a year ago. He started tugging at his hair like he was going to tear it out, eyes clenched shut. Dean's strong hands gently pulled Castiel's away from his scalp, trying to make sure he didn't hurt himself. It startled Cas, and he lashed out, feebly attempting to shove the bigger man. Dean pulled him to his feet and pulled him into a tight hug, crushing him to his chest.

Dean remembered Sam telling him once that if you hug someone tightly when they're having a panic attack or something of that nature, it calms down their nervous system. That didn't make it any less awkward when Sam himself walked into the room almost dropping the bowl of popcorn. "Dean, what're you-" His older brother's stony glare stopped him mid-sentence, and he simply sat down. Castiel's breathing slowed, and he eventually leaned into the embrace. The last time he'd been hugged must have been ten years old, or younger. That was when he started being the 'weird' kid. Well, when it became noticeable. Dean moved him to the couch, controlling his smaller body easily. He grabbed his former fort of blankets and curled up in them, Dean at his side.


	8. Chapter 8

That night, Castiel couldn't stop thinking of his hug with Dean. Was it the fact that no one had even bothered to comfort him in who knows how long ? Was it the point that he had LET Dean touch him ? Or was it more than that ? These questions raced around in his mind, keeping him awake like every other night. He rolled over, his eyes flicking open in the darkness. He glanced over at the twin bed beside him, where Dean was supposed to be sleeping. He and Sam rotated nights sleeping in the bed, and this particular night, Sam had the couch. Cas sat up, peering around for Dean. It wasn't like him to actually get out of bed during the middle of the night, and this time he wasn't even anywhere in sight. A small flurry of panic started in Castiel's belly, the memory flashbacks from earlier returning with a vengeance. Why is it that at night things are so clear in your mind, the good and the bad ?

Things were hard to process for Castiel- he had spent so much time doing the same routine every day, so much time detatched from the real world. Now everything was in full color, full sound, full….feeling. Emotion was somewhat of a hard concept for him to grasp, and today all of his emotions were overwhelming him. He didn't think he could be blamed; he'd been through so much these past couple of weeks. That could never be erased…because what happens in the past, never really goes away. And they say nothing fixes itself in the memory so intensely as the wish to forget it.

Dean stood outside the run-down motel, leaning against the rough brick. It was a little after two a.m., and the tossing and turning just wasn't able to occupy him tonight. At least he wasn't asleep and having nightmares. Every day since the day that Cas was kidnapped, he had some variation of the same nightmare every night. In the dream, he was watching as Castiel was brutally tortured, unable to stop it. In the end, Cas always died and Dean always suffered, time after time. And he couldn't quite figure out why the loss of Cas terrified him so much. They were friends, sure, but they had only been together about a month. And Castiel was gone for about a week of that span…so what made the thought of being without him so terrible suddenly ? Maybe Dean couldn't afford to lose anyone else.

Dean tilted his head toward the velvet sky, drawing in a deep breath. The chilly air cleared his head and refilled his lungs, dispelling any negative thoughts he might have previously had. The door to the motel room creaked open slowly, and Castiel's head peeked out. His blue eyes lightened when he saw Dean. He stepped out and shut the door quietly behind him, giving his signature small smile. Cas let out a quiet 'hey', something Dean still wasn't used to. Every time he spoke again, Dean was still the tiniest bit shocked. And somewhere inside, it made him happy too.

Castiel was trying, and failing, to look away from Dean's green-gold eyes. They still always caught his attention; the unnaturalness of their color was still of fascination to Castiel. His gaze then involuntarily landed on Dean's lips, much to the wonder of Cas. He hadn't planned that at all, but now here he was, unable to look away, studying them, thinking about them….what a confusing mass of feelings. It occurred to him that Dean might catch him looking, so he glanced away and flushed red. What is it that made Cas act even weirder than usual ?

They stood in silence for a while, both looking out into the night. The lights around them went out at the same time, in a sudden spark and burst of noise. Castiel grabbed Dean's arm tightly "I don't like the dark anymore." Dean shushed him and pulled them both inside quickly, instructing Castiel to get on the bed and then turning on a lamp. He started re-checking the salt circles and devil's traps, before finally heading back to his bed. He noticed that Cas was on HIS bed, curled up and frightened. "Cas, buddy, yours is the other one." He met Dean's eyes, "I know, can't we just…share ?" Dean stopped for a moment "No…guys don't…they don't share beds, Castiel." The use of his full name stung Cas, and combined with the rejection, his feelings were really hurt. "But I'm scared," he pleaded. The look in Dean's eyes didn't waver, and Castiel moved to his own bed reluctantly, turning away from Dean and burying his face in the pillow.

The next morning, Castiel refused to talk to Dean. He sat silently sulking in the backseat, and both men refused to explain to Sam what their problem was. The car ride was awkwardly silent, and the pact remained between the two late into the night. The usual rig was set up, and the Winchester boys left on a hunt.

Dean was even more ready to kill than usual, and he was really pulling out all the stops. He was almost reckless with his fury, and Sam was beginning to get worried. Nothing, NOTHING, affected his brother like this. He thought that maybe since he had some tension going with Castiel, his best friend, that it was taking a toll on him. Dean wasn't really one to bond or make friends, but Cas was an exception. In reality, he was probably the only non-hunter friend that he had, and the only person he'd chosen to form a relationship with. Any of their other acquaintances were either other hunters, family friends, or someone Sam knew. Sam had had short term friends his whole life, but during the times they moved around, Dean had never made anything other than a weekly girlfriend. The youngest brother even had college friends, when all Dean had was John and Sam.

'There's a first time for everything,' Sam thought.


	9. Chapter 9

Cas was beginning to enjoy life on the road. It gave him a chance to see the U.S, whereas normally he would probably never see past those brick walls. The bruises on his body were beginning to fade, but the memories were still sharp. It had been two weeks since Dean had rescued him from the demons, and ever since that day, things had been weird between them. Castiel couldn't tell if they were closer or if there was tension between them, but then again, he wasn't one for social cues.

Dean knew. He knew what this pit in his stomach was, he knew what it all meant. But he would never, ever admit it to himself. How could he admit that he had feelings for Castiel ?

What brought this on, anyway ? Did it start with seeing Castiel shirtless, or had it manifested before then and he just never noticed ? How could Dean be attracted to a man…this hasn't happened to him before, EVER. Never even crossed his mind. Not that there was anything wrong with it, he supported the right to love who you want to, but it just wasn't DEAN.

Until now.

Another thing that scared Dean, was the thought that he didn't like guys, he liked ONE guy. The only guy he was attracted to in THAT way was Castiel. It was enough to make his mind wander and his green eyes avoid the gaze of Cas' own blue ones.

The three men walked into the diner one after another, Castiel trailing right behind Dean like his puppy. He slid in next to him in the booth, their thighs touching. Strangely enough, neither man pulled away. On the way out, Dean held the door for Cas. It was the little things like this that made him realize his feelings.

Dean shoved Castiel against the wall lightly, pressing against him and kissing him roughly. There was no fight for dominance; Castiel was eagerly complying with Dean's wishes. He was unsure of how to kiss back, but the older man showed him the way. His big hands lay on either side of Castiel, pressing against the wall. His lips moved to Cas' neck, prompting a moan from him. He-

Dean shot up in bed, panting. The dream came flooding back to him, and he fell back against the pillows with a groan. He covered his eyes with his hands, knowing this wouldn't be the last dream he had of that nature. His exhaustion was too great for him to keep thinking on it, and he fell back asleep once again. He was woken up to the sound of a soft, panicked voice not even an hour later. "Dean. Dean, I'm scared." Castiel whispered. Dean put the pillow of his face and patted the bed beside him without another thought. He was half asleep and desperate for some rest, and truthfully he just wanted Cas to be quiet. He thought nothing of it when the smaller man peeled back the covers and climbed into bed next to him.

Castiel woke up in a silent scream- the nightmares were back with a vengeance tonight. And he couldn't use the 'they aren't real' excuse, because they were. The stuff he dreamt about really happened, and that could never be changed. He sat up and mopped the sweat off his forehead. He looked around their newest motel room; all was silent. Sam lay still on the couch, and Dean lay in the bed next to him, facing him. "Dean." He waited a moment, almost afraid of his response. But his heart was pounding, and his only friends in the world were sleeping. He was on the verge of a panic attack, and he needed someone NOW. "Dean, I'm scared." He watched as Dean's eyes opened a crack, and he patted the spot beside him. That was more than Cas could have hoped for, and he tiptoed out of bed and into Dean's. It was warm and comforting, and it smelled like the typical male scent that portrayed Dean Winchester perfectly. He dared not cuddle against him, so he turned so that their backs were facing one another, and got as close as possible. Sometime during the night, a strong, warm arm wrapped itself around Castiel's waist. The nightmares didn't return.

Dean shifted slightly in his sleep, then stiffened his spine. Someone else was in the bed with him. He opened his eyes a crack and realized his arm was wound around Cas' waist, and his face buried in his hair. He jerked backward, waking Castiel and falling out of bed in the same instant. His head banged off the corner of the night stand, and he cursed loudly. A piece of paper fluttered off the table in the commotion, landing on Dean's face. It was a note from Sam, stating he would be back later. Dean sighed and stood up, looking over at Castiel, who was standing in the same position as him, staring back. "You're bleeding," Cas said, staring at Dean's hairline. He lifted a hand there, drawing it back to find blood. "It's nothing," he tried to turn and occupy himself with something else, anything else but this awkward conversation, but Castiel insisted. "Let me help. You've bandaged me up so many times, I can return the favor. And besides, I caused this…" He trailed off, his eyes wide and innocent. "Alright, but no chick flick moments," Dean grumbled.

He hadn't counted on it being this hard to be this close to Castiel's face, more specifically, his lips. He was leaning against the counter in the bathroom, and Cas was blotting the wound with an intent look on his face. His breath washed over Dean, and the close proximity and skin touching skin had Dean going crazy. His lips were right fricking there, and the thought of touching them with his own had Dean's mind reeling. If he could just…move over one inch and..press their lips together.

* So sorry I haven't updated in forever ! I've been really busy with school...leave more reviews ? (: Thanks to the person who posted the nice review under guest ! You rock :)


	10. Chapter 10

Castiel dabbed at the cut on Dean's head, lost in concentration. He tried to think about the wound, and not the close proximity they were in. Cas knew enough to know guys like Dean didn't date guys like him, no matter how much he wished otherwise.

He turned around and tossed the cotton ball in the trash, then smoothed the band-aid over Dean's forehead, ignoring his protests. Green eyes met blue ones, and Dean stood up. "Cas," He mumbled in a husky voice. "Did I do something wrong ?" He asked tentatively, reaching up toward the band-aid. Dean grabbed his wrist, stopping the motion. He placed it on his waist, then cupped Castiel's face with his own hand. His lips moved to right under his ear "No, you did something right." He placed a kiss there, then his jawline, then finally, Cas' lips.

It was one soft movement, grasping his lips and pulling away slowly to make it last. Castiel leaned in for more, eager for another moment. Dean tilted his chin up and gave him one more peck, before whispering once again "Patience."

Dean was reeling. He couldn't believe he had actually just done that. If it was so wrong, why did it feel so right ? Why was all of this so hard for Dean to accept ? Things in his mind shouldn't be so cut and dry; he should be able to accept who he loved, no matter their gender. Maybe it was the point that he hadn't felt this way since Lisa, and he didn't want to even begin to think about that possibility.

Because he had been in love with Lisa.

Castiel stared at himself in the mirror- surely he must be different now, somehow. He certainly felt different. Things now WERE different. Both men knew that now that everything had changed, nothing could go back to being normal again. Their world was permanently altered, they just didn't know it yet. It started when Dean had first leaned in to kiss Castiel, and only spiraled from there.

Sam met a girl when he was out, and he decided to stay at her place for the night. It didn't happen very often, so Dean just let it be. His little brother deserved some time off and some companionship. And maybe Dean had a few selfish reasons of his own for wanting to be alone.

When Dean and Cas settled down to watch a movie for the night, after a long day of research, Dean paused the tv and looked over at Castiel seriously. "Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice, if we did the right thing by taking you out of your old life." He mused. The younger man stared back at him, silent for a moment. "You did, Dean. I trust you. Before you…my life was nothing. It had no meaning, it wasn't a life. Living with you, and Sam, it's…fun. Even though I'm not a hero like you two, even though I'm not a hunter, I'm still part of something great. And….I like that. I like being a part of something." Dean looked at his lap, then made himself meet the other man's eyes. "I guess I never thought of it that way," He finally said. "I just….if you ever want to go back, just let me know." Cas stood quickly, "Have I overstayed my welcome ? Do you WANT me to leave ?" His voice cracked a little on the word 'want'. Dean jumped up, "No, Cas, of course not. It's okay. Calm down." Dean collapsed back onto the couch, tilting his head back and closing his eyes, sighing. He felt Castiel sit next to him, "Dean ? Have I…..upset you in some way ?" "No, you haven't upset me. I just-" He sat upright again. "I want you, Cas." His eyes were fierce and glowing, and he looked unable to restrain himself. But he was gentle as he grabbed either side of Castiel's face and leaned in, maintaining eye contact until their lips met. Something sparked inside Cas, and his instinct kicked in. His hands slid to the top of Dean's pants, and rested there, slightly pushing up his shirt. They slid over his sharp hipbones, and Dean moved his hands to Cas' strong back, pushing him closer. The kiss turned open-mouthed, and the first moan ensued.

Five minutes later, and the two were making out on the couch like teenagers. Dean lay underneath Castiel, with his hands tangled in the younger man's hair. Their legs were entertwined, and their lips moved together in sync. For being such a previously shy guy, Castiel seemed…experienced. He moved his lips to Dean's neck, breathing his name against the skin there. The hand in his hair tugged slightly, urging him on. He liked it when Dean got excited like that; he liked it when he could tell Dean was enjoying himself. Cas' nimble fingers slid down Dean's chest slowly, causing him to shiver. Dean captured his lips with his own, eager for more. Cas reached the end of his shirt and tugged it off, the pulled away to kiss his way down his chiseled stomach. Dean's breathing started getting huskier, and Castiel's name escaped his lips. "Cas. You have to stop." Electric blue eyes peeked up at him innocently from under thick eyelashes, hovering over the tops of his jeans. "If you don't stop…I won't either and we can't…we can't do that tonight." Castiel looked down and fingered the top of his partner's jeans. "Okay. I can settle for this." With that, he moved up to Dean's lips again.


	11. Chapter 11

Castiel lay with his head on Dean's bare chest as they settled down for sleep. The darkness didn't scare him anymore because when he was with Dean, he felt safe.

In the morning, the two brothers and their companion piled into the Impala once again. Dean drove to the nearest diner for breakfast, blasting Metallica the whole way. Once they arrived, Castiel excused himself to the bathroom, and Sam turned to his brother. "So…what's going on ?" He tried to sound casual, but Dean knew what he meant. "Listen, don't make a big deal about it- no chick flick moments. But I uh, I…Castiel and I kissed." He left it at that, no further explanation. Sam wasn't really surprised, but he wasn't passive about it either. He knew Dean too well, he could see the signs of when he had feelings for someone, and they were definitely there. So Dean was bisexual. That didn't really bother him, Dean had always been pretty sexual about everything, so in a way it was kind of expected. But with someone like Castiel ? Maybe that was a little…UNexpected.

But there was no denying the way they looked at each other.

*Two days later, in a small town in Minnesota.*

It was early in the morning, in a small cabin on a lake that the boys had rented. Sam was fishing outside on the dock, enjoying the chilly, foggy morning. It was quiet; a rare occasion for the Winchesters. For once, their guard was down. In the tree line, three demons waited to strike- but the boys didn't know that.

Castiel stood in front of the stove, learning how to make eggs. He learned a lot from Dean, although the man rarely cooked himself. Dean walked up behind him, sliding his arms easily around his waist, settling his chin on his shoulder. "Looks good, Cas." He could feel the other man smile, and he nuzzled into the side of his neck. A scream from outside made Dean jump back, on high alert. He snatched his gun from the nightstand, cocking it quickly. "Stay here." He instructed Cas to stand inside the pre-laid circle of salt, and made his way toward the door.

He crept around the side of the cabin carefully, gun poised in front of him. On the dock, his brother Sam fought two demons viciously, both unaware of Dean. However, someone headlocked him from behind, and he could guess it wasn't Castiel.

The demon picked Dean up and threw him a good four feet away, where he smacked into a tree and sank to the ground. His gun had flown out of his grip when he was tossed, and his vision blurred. "Sam !" Sam answered back, and Dean was relieved he was okay. The relief didn't last long, because the demon was back for him. Evidently they realized that they would need to kill both men in order to reach Castiel. The possessed man gripped Dean around the neck, squeezing hard. Dean's strength was impaired by smashing into the tree, and his thoughts were drifting to Cas. He snapped back to reality and realized that he had to help his brother, who was currently holding off two demons. Dean choked out an exorcism spell, just barely, and the black smoke came screaming out of the bearded man it had been possessing. He staggered to his feet and shuffled as fast as he could toward Sam, picking up the demon knife he dropped on the way.

He grabbed the demon facing away from him by the shirt, stabbing the knife effortlessly through his chest. Dean yanked the body to the side and tossed it into the lake, set on the demon straddling his brother. He ripped him to a standing position, "No hurts my little brother and lives to tell about it." The knife pierced through his neck and he lit up like a Jack O'lantern, glowing eerily. Sam stood, groaning. He placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, "You okay ?" But Dean was looking toward the house, sniffing cautiously. It smelled like smoke…

It took a second for him to register the strange glow in the windows and associate it with the smell. The cabin was on fire, and Castiel was in it.

"Cas !" Dean screamed his name at the top of his lungs, bolting toward the house. "Dean ?" he heard the familiar soft, inquisitive voice. Sam came up behind Dean, "Dean no !" he grabbed his arm in an attempt to stop him from entering the burning house, but the eldest Winchester twisted out of his grip. He kicked in the wooden door even in his bare feet, and thrust himself into the room without thinking. Castiel stood in the middle of the living room, surrounded by the flames. The orange glow reflected oddly on his blue irises, but even then Dean could see he was fascinated. That's why he hadn't tried to escape- he thought the fire was cool. He waved nonchalantly to Dean, oblivious to his panic. "Dean…it's so beautiful. Why haven't I seen it before ? Look !" Cas reached out toward the flames, and Dean screamed. "Castiel, no !" he leapt through the ring of fire that Cas was in, scorching his feet in the process. He swept Castiel up bridal style, holding him high above the flames. Dean gathered a moment of courage before jumping back over the fire, wincing as the heat blistered his heels. He landed solidly and raced back out the door, with Cas hanging on for dear life. They coughed in unison on the smoke, and Sam stood waiting to help. Dean set the smaller man down, "Are you okay ?" Cas turned to look back at the cabin, now engulfed in flames. Dean placed his hands on Castiel's cheeks, turning him to face him "Cas ! Are you hurt ?" He shook his head, "I'm sorry Dean." He thought that Dean had been mad at him, he didn't know the difference between worry and anger. Cas wanted to press his lips against Dean's for reassurance, but he held off.

There was plenty of time for that later.

* It's not letting me reply to some of your comments :o Btw, is the person posting under guest the same person both times ? Thanks for your comments bud (: Also sorry for the spelling mistakes in the last chapter, there were a lot !


	12. Chapter 12

Cas watched as Dean sat on the ground, grimacing in pain. His feet were badly blistered from the fire, and Cas knew that it was all his fault. He sat across from him, watching as the dawn broke, listening to sirens in the distance. They were coming here, he knew, coming to put out the fire. It was a cold, foggy morning, and he shivered on the dewy grass. Cas tried to ignore the venom filled looks that Sam was throwing his way, but it was hard not to be put off by the obvious tension that now filled the air. He could guess it was because he had put his brother in danger, but really, he hadn't meant to. The more Sam stared at him, and the more Dean avoided looking at him, the more his chest tightened. "I'm sorry," He whispered, drawing his knees up to his chest. Neither man answered.

Castiel and Dean were taken to the hospital in separate ambulances, Castiel just to get checked up on. He hoped they were far away enough that they wouldn't recognize him as the missing mental patient from Michigan. Sam rode with Dean to the hospital, and was the one to answer the questions the police had about the fire.

Castiel was sleeping when Dean came into his room later that day. He hobbled over and sat on the side of his bed, alerting Cas of his presence. "Hi," Cas said tentatively. The look on Dean's face made his small, forced smile fade quickly. Dean averted his eyes, "Listen, Castiel…." The use of his full name made Cas' spine stiffen. Something was wrong, something was very wrong. Dean continued, oblivious to Castiel's oncoming panic attack "When we get out of here, we're going home. I mean, we're taking YOU home." The blue eyed man furrowed his brow, "Why are we going back home ?" Dean looked him in the eye for the first time since the fire "WE'RE not. You are. Castiel, we're taking you back to the hospital, and then Sam and I are leaving. We're moving on…without you." He didn't wait to see the first tear fall, he got up and shuffled out as fast as he could go. Dean never heard the first sob, never saw Castiel curl into a ball and dry heave over the loss of his best friends. Dean never heard his name whispered over and over in a sad, tearful prayer.

And most of all, he never heard the broken "I'm sorry" that echoed around the dark room.

The boys were discharged from the hospital late into the night. Cas' eyes were shining and rimmed with red, but the Winchester's pretended not to notice. He slid into the backseat of the familiar Impala, surprised to find the gift Anna had given him so long ago sitting beside him. Somehow it had been salvaged from the fire. Just the sight of it made Castiel burst into tears once again, although he tried to keep it quieter this time. The car ride was awkwardly silent, with only his sniffles filling the air. The drive would take a few days, and it was hard to grasp that that was all the time he had left with the only companions he's ever had. They could go about their life, saving people, hunting things, but where did that leave Castiel ? It simply left him right back to where he started, living a meaningless life. He'd meant what he said back when he told Dean that his life didn't mean anything before they came along. And that was never more true than when he looked to his future without them, and saw nothing.

Dean's fist slammed down on the table "Dammit Cas ! You have to eat." Cas had refused food since the hospital, almost two days ago. "What's the point ?" Castiel mumbled back. Dean's voice was steely as he replied "The point is, you can't survive if you don't eat. Just eat your goddamn chicken." "Who says I want to be alive…" Cas muttered under his breath. Across the table, Dean's eyes seemed to set aflame. "Don't you ever, ever say that again." He looked at Sam, then pointed at Castiel. "Outside, now." The two left the room to get more privacy. "Why would you….you can't… why wouldn't you want to be alive, Cas ?" His voice was gruff with emotion Cas couldn't quiet identify. "It's kind of meaningless, my life." Cas whispered meekly, afraid of what Dean might do. "Cas….you can't say that around me. Don't…." Dean trailed off, his voice breaking. He sounded….choked up. The emotion registered with Cas, finally. It was pain.

"It's not meaningless. It never was, and it never will be. Even if you think it is, or if everyone else in this god forsaken world does, I don't. It matters to me, YOU matter to me. Son of a bitch, Cas. I-" He stopped a moment, looking into Castiel's eyes. "I love you."

He stepped forward, "I love you, but it's better if I leave."


	13. Chapter 13

**For maximum results, please listen to Wrecking Ball while reading the chapter. (Just kidding. Carry on)

"You're not safe with me, Cas." Dean continued. "But I'm not happy without you, doesn't that count for something ?" Castiel pleaded. Dean was torn- of course he wanted to be with Cas, but he wanted him to leave a safe and normal life. But was that impossible now that he had spent time with the cursed Winchester brothers…How protected was he REALLY at that hospital ? Dean had a big decision to make, and he couldn't take it lightly.

Castiel and Sam went out for a while to give Dean time and space to think. Dean, he was….different. He was a different man than he portrayed to everyone, even his own brother. Except when he was with Castiel. It was to him that he would bare his true feelings; how broken he actually felt, how lost, how unsure….And now he had to make the decision of letting Cas go for his sake, or keeping him around for his own.

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. _I am not sad,_ he would repeat to himself over and over, _I am not sad_. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others-the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. _I am not sad. I am not sad. _Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. _I am not sad._"

Dean Winchester was a good man. He was a damn loyal man, a man who would do anything for his family. Some of it came from the way John had raised him, but most came from how he had raised himself. He was loyal, and he was good, but he was also hurt. He was a man with a heart so shattered he often wondered how it was still beating. Dean Winchester was a smart man. He may not be as traditionally smart as he brother, but he had wit and integrity. And so he was a good, loyal, smart man who was hurting deeper than anyone could imagine- and it was because of all those traits that he knew that he had to let Castiel go.

There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don't want to know, but have to learn. And people we can't live without, but have to let go.

The next day around noon, the Impala was parking a block away from the mental hospital. Dean's mouth met Castiel's, the bittersweet taste of goodbye on his lips. He ran his hand through the younger man's hair one last time, and then Sam lead Castiel out of the car. Dean watched as his brother walked the man he loved down the block, back to where he'd picked him up when they first met. The first tear escaped his bright eyes the second they were out of sight. Dean pounded his fist on the dashboard, "Son of a bitch !" He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the pain to pass. But with every step Cas took away from him, the pain increased until Dean let out a full on scream. Even if it was the right thing, it still hurt like Hell.

Castiel waved goodbye to Sam, wishing more than anything he didn't have to. He clutched the white piece of paper Dean had given him in his hand, and walked into the familiar lobby of his former home.

It wasn't until later that night, after all the commotion, that he got to read the note. He pulled it out before he lay down to bed,

_"Someday, we'll run into each other again, I know it. Maybe I'll be older and smarter and just plain better. If that happens, that's when I'll deserve you. But now, at this moment, you can't hook your boat to mine, because I'm liable to sink us both."_

That's all it read- no signature, no nothing. It was a simple quote, written in Dean's slightly slanted handwriting. But it was powerful, and the ink on the page now bled with the tears that had fallen upon it.

**Okay, so the "I am not sad" is a Jonathan Safron Foer quote I decided to add because I thought it accurately described Dean. They way I wrote this was a little different than I usually do, so let me know what you think...I hope the quote on the note isn't too cheesy for Dean, but I really like it and I hope this whole thing came out as powerful as I meant it to...by the way, this is NOT the end of the story, there will be more !


	14. Chapter 14

One Year Later

"Thanks," Castiel said, smiling warmly. Anna handed him his ice cream cone, grinning back. The two sat under a sun umbrella at a local ice cream shop. Cas was still institutionalized, but he was getting better, and due to be out soon. He was no longer reclusive, mute, or painfully shy. When he came back from being 'kidnapped' and started making progress, the doctors called it a miracle. But Castiel knew the truth. It had nothing to do with the doctors, and everything to do with the people he'd met when he was away. His glass blue eyes darted to the colors on the umbrella- that one was thing that still hadn't changed about him.

Now that he was making progress, he was allowed outings twice a week. It was during this time that Anna would accompany him and let him choose where to go- within reason. He almost always chose ice cream or the park down the street, with the big pond and the ducks to feed. At one time, about a year ago, a certain old black car had stopped in front of the park and a goodbye was made. There was a part of Castiel that watched every day for that black car to show up once again. He had told no one about his 'time away', not even Anna. He almost felt bad that he was going to leave this place, leave her in this place…but he had to get better, for Dean. It was all for Dean.

As they walked, Cas looked down at his scuffed Converse. They were getting old, but he refused to stop wearing them. "Hey Anna ?" The pretty red-head turned to face him. "Yeah ?" "What do I do when I get out of here ?" She chuckled, sitting down on a bench. "Well, Castiel, I suppose you'll find yourself an apartment and a job." He looked down, "Well, how do you know what job is right for you ?" Cas had no idea what he wanted to do with his life, he'd never really thought about it. He was a really intelligent guy, he could probably do whatever he wanted. The trouble was, the only thing he wanted was to be back on the road with the Winchesters.

Just then, a fluffy dog ran up to Cas, wagging his tail. It looked to be a herding dog, with one blue eye and one brown. He reached down to pet it, and Anna said "You should do something with animals-" she stopped short. "Cas ?" His nickname didn't come from Anna. No; it was a male voice. Castiel looked up to see the owner of the dog standing before him.

"Sam ?"

Sam ran his hand through his hair, "Wow, Cas." Castiel jumped up, "Where's Dean ?!" Sam's eyes changed immediately, "He uh, he isn't here." He looked away, as if he was hiding something. Anna peeked around Castiel, "Hi, I'm Anna." They shook hands, and Cas danced from foot to foot. "Sam guess what ?! I'm better now. I get out in two weeks, and I'm going to go see Dean ! I was going to come see you guys soon. It's going to be great !" Sam looked more than a little uncomfortable after that statement. "Uh, can I talk to you for a minute…alone ?" He asked. The two men walked to the edge of the park, leaving Anna and the dog. "Cas, I….you aren't going to be able to see Dean." "I don't understand…no, I think you're mistaken. Look." Castiel pulled out the worn, familiar white piece of paper he had read a thousand times over. He carried it everywhere with him, and he showed it to Sam now

_"Someday, we'll run into each other again, I know it. Maybe I'll be older and smarter and just plain better. If that happens, that's when I'll deserve you. But now, at this moment, you can't hook your boat to mine, because I'm liable to sink us both."_

Sam had never read it before, but he knew it must be Dean's goodbye note to Castiel. It was written in his brother's handwriting, after all. "See, Dean wanted to wait until I got better. Then we could be together. Well, here I am !" Cas sounded so sure of himself; he had such faith in Dean. "No that's…" Sam seemed at a loss for words today. "That's not what I meant. You can't see Dean because Dean is dead." His voice was low and husky, and tears brimmed in his eyes. "I'm sorry to have to tell you that, I wish it wasn't true myself. God, do I wish." The color had drained out of Cas' face, and he stared straight at Sam. "But…I love him. He can't be dead." He grabbed the note and looked down at his Converse, both remnants of the man he loved. Sam kept to himself the gory details of the fact that Dean wasn't technically dead per se, he was in Purgatory. But Sam figured he could spare Castiel just a little bit of pain. If that meant he had to carry more load, then he would do it. In fact, it was the least he could do.

A man across the park caught Sam's eye. They made eye contact, and the man flashed a sinister grin. Just for a second, Sam saw his eyes flash black. "Cas. Listen to me. There's a demon here, right now, and if there's one, there's more. Act like nothing's wrong, and have Anna take you back to the hospital. You'll be safe there, for now. Garth is watching you. I'll be in touch." And just like that, yet another one of the Winchester boys left Castiel alone and heartbroken.

_* _*The way I wrote this chapter was a little weird too...I hope it doesn't suck too badly. I probably won't update for a few days because I have Homecoming tomorrow ! :) Leave me some comments please. :)


	15. Chapter 15

Four months later

It had been almost a year and a half since Dean and Cas had seen each other. Castiel hadn't heard from Sam in two months now. He stopped wearing his old Converse that the Winchester's had bought for him, and he stopped re-watching Ghost over and over, trying to get back the feeling he had when he watched it with Dean. But the one thing that remained the same, was the worn white paper that stayed with him everywhere.

Cas had gotten out of the hospital two weeks after the park incident with Sam. Anna had helped him get an apartment a few blocks from the animal shelter where he now worked. He refused to even speak with his family, and so he was all alone.

Castiel kept up a routine that ensured he was busy at all times, with no room to think about Dean or Sam. He worked Monday through Thursday, and during his three day weekend, he would do 'fun' things. To other people, these things would not be considered fun, but to Cas, they were all he had. He would go to the library, or the park, or sometimes he would just walk without direction. Because when you're a twenty-one year old on your own with no car and no college education, that's all you can do.

On this particular Thursday night, after work, Cas sat down on the couch with a cup of tea. It was stormy outside, and for some reason, he had been on edge the whole day. Something in the back of his head told him that he was going to get a visit from Sam tonight. He tried to reason with himself, telling himself that just because he WANTED to see Sam didn't mean he was going to. He was so deep in thought during this that he never heard the knocking on his door, that is, until the door was kicked in. Sam himself stood just inside the door, "Uh, wow, I'm sorry, you weren't answering, and I thought…something was wrong." He glanced around quickly, then back at the shocked Castiel, who now had tea all over himself. "Sam !" The reality that he was actually there caught up with Cas, and he jumped up. "There's something-" Sam started to speak, but another voice cut him off. "Cas." The husky, familiar voice spoke his name as another figure stepped into the room. Cas' eyes roamed from his jean clad bowlegs, to his leather jacket, to his lips, and finally, to his bright sage green eyes. His breath hitched in his throat, and panic rose in his chest. Oh God. He was dead. Somehow he had died on the way home from work…and Sam, that meant he was dead as well. Cas' breath came faster and his hands started to tingle. The room blurred around the edges, and he had to sit down before he passed out. Dean's voice sounded far away, and he couldn't focus on anything other than his own pounding heart. He hadn't had a panic attack in so long, and never this severe. Dean placed his hands over his shoulder, "Cas ?" He turned to Sam "Is he okay ?" "Dean I don't think you're supposed to get close to someone who is having a panic attack." "Then what do we do, goddammit ?!" The two bantered on, and Castiel's eyes glazed over. His breathing slowed, but he felt locked inside himself. His movements were like jelly, and his head lolled back slightly. He stared straight ahead, too drained to function normally.

Dean sat down next to him again, a little farther away this time. "Cas….I….What did Sammy tell you ?" Castiel guessed Sam had stepped out of the room to give the two time to talk. Without looking at him "He said you were dead. He didn't say how you died…how did I die ?" Dean furrowed his brow, "You're not dead. I'm not dead. No one here is dead." He could see now that Cas was very confused, and it pained him to know he was causing so much trouble for him. He began to think he never should have disrupted Castiel's new life. He had everything Dean wanted- he got out after being sucked into the hunter lifestyle. Cas was doing so much better before Dean came back, and now…. "I wasn't dead, Castiel….it's complicated. I was away, okay ?" He tried to think of a good way to explain it that would protect Cas from the truth. "You didn't want me anymore ? Why didn't you come for me ? Why did Sam tell me you were dead ?" The questions flew out of Cas' mouth before he could filter them. "I don't understand." He turned to face Dean, his steel blue eyes pleading. "Of course I want you. I want you." Dean gritted his teeth, then softened his voice. "I'll always want you."

"I can't explain right now okay ? I just can't." He looked at the tea spilled all over Cas' clothes. "Let's go get you cleaned up." Cas lead the way to his bedroom, where he stripped off his shirt first. He was turned around when he felt Dean's hands tentatively slide over his sides. He leaned back into the embrace, unable to deny him. It had been too long.

Dean pushed Cas back onto the bed gently, then straddled him a bit more forcefully. He craved touch, and passion, because he needed to forget his time in Purgatory. Castiel's hand came up to graze Dean's face. He leaned upward and kissed his lips softly, and as he pulled away, Dean captured his lips once more. His hands tugged on Cas' short dark locks as always, and then one moved down to his waist. Cas shifted and leaned back so that Dean was hovering over him, and – all at once, the passionate kissing stopped. Dean's hunger for THAT kind of intimacy subsided, and all of a sudden, what he wanted more than anything in the world was just to be curled up next to Cas. He wanted to feel safe, to know Cas was safe, and to be normal, for just one minute.

He wanted to forget.

**Okay sorry I'm a really lame romance writer okay. Btw idk if there's going to be actual smut in here because I'm a virgin who can't drive, I'm not sure how good my smut would be. Anyway yea I hope this isn't too bad


	16. Chapter 16

Cas rolled over, his hands brushing against something warm in the bed. Someone else was there with him. He propped himself up on his elbow, peering at the body beside him. He almost felt like he was dreaming when he realized it was Dean. But then the memories of the day came flooding back, and he recalled everything that had happened. Dean reappearing, them kissing, them cuddling, them laying down to bed together. This was the only other time they'd slept in the same bed since that night in the motel when Cas had gotten scared. That seemed so long ago now…things had been so different then. Now it was almost two years later…it was hard to believe.

Castiel laid back down, one question still weighing on his mind. What did Dean mean by 'I'll explain later' ? Where had he been that required so much explanation ? So much so, that it was easier to say he was dead ? Dean shifted in his sleep, and his arm slung involuntarily over Cas. It comforted him- it didn't matter where Dean had been, it mattered that he was HERE, now. They were both free, and they were both here, together.

Cas woke up alone, and he had to admit, that stung. But when he smelled breakfast cooking, he perked up. When he wandered into the kitchen, both Winchester brothers were there; Sam at the table with a mug of coffee, and Dean at the stove- wearing Castiel's apron.

Dean didn't get to cook often, but he secretly enjoyed doing so, as it made him feel like a normal suburban guy. And he would take whatever slice of apple pie life he could get. He watched as a sleepy Cas shuffled into the small kitchen, and he set his breakfast plate in front of him proudly. He noted his blue eyes darting around the plate full of scrambled eggs, Canadian bacon, and sausage, and saw approval in his eyes. Deep down inside, Dean knew he was just trying to make up for lost time, any way he could. He would spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to Castiel.

Cas wasted no time in shoveling food into his mouth- breakfast was his favorite. The eggs brought back a few bad memories for both of them, but even that couldn't bring them down from the high they were on. Sam noticed it to- the way they were looking at each other. It had him itching to get out of the house before they jumped each other's bones right on the kitchen table. The first time they kissed that morning, he just quietly slipped out the door unnoticed.

Dean threw his apron down, coming to settle on the couch with Cas again. It felt like they would be doing this their whole lives- going to sleep together, waking up and eating breakfast together, and more. It just felt…right.

Dean cooked again later that night, dinner for the two of them. Sam had gone out yet again, this time to look for a semi-permanent residence for the two of them, for the time being. He figured they could take a break from hunting for a while. Sam thought that maybe, just maybe, he could sit back and let his brother get a slice of that apple pie life they both so desperately craved. Cas hummed as Dean cooked, the two of them cozy in the dim lighting of the kitchen. "Sonofabitch!" Dean swore, yanking his hand back and holding his finger. Cas saw the blood before Dean could hide it- he had sliced his hand while chopping vegetables. He jumped up, "Lemme see. LEMME SEE." He pushed Dean's other hand away, grimacing at the wound. "Here, let me help." He flashed back for a brief moment, to when he had tended to the cut on Dean's forehead all that time ago. He got a damp washcloth and dabbed at the wound. His finger brushed over it, and the wound disappeared. Both men stopped. "Wha…" Dean trailed off, mouth open as he stared at his now healed skin. He looked to Cas for answers. "How did you ? Cas ?" Castiel was just as shocked as Dean, if not more. Did this make him special, or even more of a freak ? Did they both just imagine that ? He had to find out for sure. He grabbed the nearby knife, taking a step back when Dean made a reach for it. "Cas, no." His voice was stern, and his eyes hardened. He could tell what his boyfriend was about to do. "Dean, we have to find out," Cas told him in that calm voice of his. Before Dean could stop him, he rolled up his sleeve and made a small slice on his forearm. He reached his other hand over the wound, and suddenly, it was gone. There was no sign that there had been a blemish in the first place.

Cas dropped the knife in surprise, he hadn't actually thought it was going to happen again. Truth be told, he had been hoping he was going to prove it had just been a fluke. "Dean, what just happened ?" Dean shrugged, his mouth still open. "How did you…what are you ?" The stung Castiel- he was human, or course ! Why would Dean even imply that he would be something supernatural ? Inside, Castiel couldn't help but wonder how appalled his boyfriend must be at dating something that might be one of the very things he's spent his whole life hunting.

*Sorry I didn't update sooner ! I had a concert Friday and stuff just got really hectic. Well I thought it was time to re-visit the point that Cas isn't who we think he is ! He's not quite what Dean expected either. Anyway, leave me some comments (: (almost time for season nine ! )


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

The two Winchester boys and Castiel have been researching for days, trying to figure out just what exactly Cas IS. Sam jumps up, "Look !" He points to the part of the book that has lore on angels. "I think, maybe…Cas might be an angel." "That's impossible !" Cas says, but Dean silences him. He briefly considers the possibility that maybe, just maybe, his boyfriend isn't human.

They spend hours researching Cas' lineage, and Dean thinks that Sam might be right. It seems that Cas might be a Nephilim, a half angel. The revelation is shocking to all of them, but they finally understand why so many demons were after him. Nephilim are rare and powerful, and there aren't many of them left. Sam sets to work tracking more down, and Dean helps Cas come to terms with everything. Castiel doesn't know too much about the supernatural world, but Dean fills him in the best he can. The Winchesters or any hunter they know haven't actually come across a Nephilim themselves, and only the strictly in-the-know hunters have heard about them. Bobby is shocked when they call him and tell him, but he vows to keep it on the down low. Things are about to get a lot more dangerous for all of them, especially if word gets out. This means that Cas needs to be trained so that he can defend himself, and that's going to be near impossible without more demons finding out about it. "Dean ?" Cas asks softly. "Am I putting you and Sam in danger ?" Dean laughs a little, "Not any more than usual. It's going to be okay Cas, we're going to take care of you." Dean leans forward and kisses Castiel softly, reassuring him. "We're going to find someone to train you, and then you can take care of yourself too." "Are you going to leave me ?!" Cas deduces that Dean is going to leave him when he can fend for himself. Dean leans back "What ? No ! I just got you back." He raises his eyebrows, grabbing Cas' hand. "I just got topside, I'm not going anywhere."

Truly, Dean is fascinated by the fact that Castiel could keep a permanent residence- it's hard to break away from the hunting life completely, no matter what part you played in it. And to keep a permanent home without being hunted yourself ? Dean almost feels bad for coming back and dragging him into the life, except the fact that Cas has a right to know what he is. He wonders if the things that make Cas who he is are traits that all Nephilim share…It doesn't matter, because Castiel is the only Nephilim he cares about.

Later that night, Dean and Cas find themselves cuddled together on the couch once again. Dean has missed this, the feeling of being close, safe and warm. The living room lamp is casting a cozy glow over the room, and the radio is on low. The two are just lounging around, and it feels good to relax, take the edge off. Cas pecks Dean on the lips, smiling against his jaw. Dean deepens the kiss, pulling Castiel closer. It will never be enough, no matter how close they get, nothing will ever satisfy Dean. "I love you." Cas smiles brightly when Dean says that, those are words he hasn't heard in a very long time….from anyone. "I love you too." He says it back, not because he feels obligated, but because he wants to. He says it because he feels it.

Dean isn't sure how much longer it will be safe for them to stay in the apartment, but he hopes it is at least a few days more. He can't deny he's enjoying a normal lifestyle, and he wants it to last as long as possible. He's not ready to leave this behind just yet.

**Wow, I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while ! I've been so busy and I didn't know where to take this story…this is kind of a boring filler chapter, but hopefully I find some more inspiration soon. So originally I was going to make Cas a half angel and I thought it was something I made up, I didn't even know about Nephilim until I watched that episode in season eight…anyway, leave me some comments to motivate me, and have fun watching tomorrow's episode :)


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